sun 16, moon 5, coronacycle 3 | a dyad in isolation

In an attempt to keep ourselves safe from COVID, we moved to another country and didn’t make too many connections in the new land; just enough to get basics. But that isolation might be weighing too heavily on our relationship. If, before moving here, we needed someone in our day to serve as a villain in our minds so we could feel superior in some way, that person is now the partner. If we needed to feel like a victim, the partner is the aggressor. If we needed to vent about our partner, our partner is the only person to vent to in-person (and venting over the phone to a third party is hard with your partner nearby). I don’t know if we were prepared for the realization of just how many roles we need other people to fulfill in our lives to keep our ego afloat. How much responsibility it takes to keep those unhealthy expectations from manifesting in ever-shifting ways (the ego is a chameleon).

Hopefully we’ll get better at this as time goes on, or perhaps part ways if not, but right now I’m relying on the Place itself to get through a particularly rough spot. The Place is just teeming with vitality and, today, a stunning 15 minute downpour with lightning and thunder that served beautifully as the outward expression of my inner world. This Place has become a non-human partner that I cherish as much as I would any human, and I look forward to developing that relationship further one day with less polluted land further from the city.

General war

War Against Accountability

The home page of Airbnb shows a giant neon pink banner asking people to help host 100,000 Ukrainian refugees.

Where was AirBnB when Syrians needed a place to stay? What about the Yemenis, or Palestinians, or Afghans who need a home? This war is another reminder, like we needed any more, that European-led countries have never been held accountable for the racism of past centuries (which continues through today), and thus have never strayed from caring only about those who look like them. If you’re privileged enough to have the space to host a Ukrainian, think about letting someone from an even more war-ravaged country stay at your home as well. And maybe use your relative wealth to do what you can to end the war, not prolong it…



General journal

A 20 Year Flare-Up

I don’t know if Osama Bin Laden and those who aided him attacked the United States 20 years ago with hopes that the military-industrial immune system of the country would go into overdrive and start destroying the country from within, and attacking imagined enemies abroad. But that’s exactly what happened. And from where I stand, even though Bin Laden paid dearly for his actions, he won. After September 11, 2001, no ideal was so noble, no objective so necessary, that it couldn’t take second stage to the war on terror. And because terrorism is a symptom of the disease of colonialism/warfare instead of the source, the US wasted countless lives and resources to attack a hydra that its own actions kept fueling. This, of course, made a lot of money for those already in the military-industrial complex, or those who would join it over the years, but even those who benefited financially during this time now live in a severely diminished country, poisoned by its inability to properly diagnose what ails it.


Time To Go

When did you know it was time to go? To be the one who walked away from Omelas?

When the leader of the United States and all who supported him chose not to wear masks and not vaccinate and not social distance and not shut down the borders in time and not test and… and leave hundreds of thousands of people to die from a preventable illness?

When the country paid trillions of dollars to rich people to save the stock market when COVID-19 hit, while giving the rest of us table scraps?

When Monsanto poisoned us with RoundUp?

When DuPont and 3M poisoned the ground and the water for generations?

When you realized you were never going to have a million dollars, no matter how hard you worked?

When they burned thousands upon thousands with napalm?

When they burned Black Wall Street?

When they burned the cross on the lawn?

When you realized you had asthma because your parents were too poor to move away when Robert Moses put up a highway near your house?

…when will it finally be enough?


sun 22, moon 9, coronacycle 1 | the mire of delusion

a verse of the Bhagavat Gita. Caption below.
   When your intellect crosses
   the mire of delusion,
   then you will gain indifference
   to what has been heard and what is yet to be heard.
   Bhagavat Gita | 52

Cross the mire of delusion with me, out of earshot of the television, away from the screen you’re reading this from, beyond the cacophony of comforting voices you’ve surrounded yourself with. Look into the truth of your being, the mystery it presents to the world of named objects and concepts. Lean into the squishiness of your experience, avoiding the hard edges which attempt to define it at every turn. You, the “you” which cannot be defined, transcend this manifest existence. Your tentacles, your mycelium connections, stretch into realms not visible to the sharpest eyes, not audible to the most delicate ears.

Your vastness cannot
be contained by | this moment |
contains your vastness.

haiku journal

sun 10, moon 7, coronacycle 1 | two hurricanes

A hurricane has landed, but it’s hard to notice. The Republican National Convention is dominating national headlines, perhaps because people are interested to see how our political parties are going to respond to the uprising, which is itself a response to COVID-19 and years of police brutality and centuries of capitalism. In California, people are more worried about the massive fires, made worse by the inability to use prison labor because of COVID-19. In cities across the country, people are more worried about how the uprising and economic downturn due to COVID-19 are affecting their psychic and physical landscape.

So Hurricane Laura, a category 4 storm and the largest to hit the United States this year, will probably never make the front page news for most people. Hurricane Laura has been eclipsed by the hurricane of our social breakdown. What happens when we can’t see each others’ trauma because our own is so central, and visceral? What I’m seeing, in calls with friends and family, is increasing denial that anything bad is even happening at all, likely because people feel increasingly powerless to do much about the increasingly supercharged collapse of everything comforting they’d built their lives around. So it’s now that much easier for those in power to reconfigure memory and reality, since everyone is so desperate to cling to whatever false promises of safety and progress are thrown their way. I suppose this is how institutions like capitalism and patriarchy have always reproduced themselves, but it’s stunning to witness in real time.

i wonder what we
will call this land after the
uprising succeeds


taoist survival strategy

in times such as these
become shapeless like water
to survive the flood


my wish upon a dream

my tired eyes close
with hope that during the night
revolution flares

haiku journal

sun 1, moon 1, coronacycle 1 | staring at the moon

I’m almost trembling as I write this, because the situation that lies ahead has become so clear and terrifying. While the comedians on Saturday Night Live joke about COVID-19 as something happening only in China or Italy, cases are appearing in Seattle and north of New York City. With an R rate of 2-4, and almost no testing for the virus, this means that many more people certainly have the disease. And older people are horribly at risk. My partner and I cried and held each other as we realized that one of our grandparents would almost certainly succumb to COVID-19, given how badly prepared the country was.

I have nothing but furor for De Blasio, Cuomo, and Trump, who’ve all certainly known about this disease for at least a month, and who have likely ignored the screaming urgency of their epidemiologists as they demand the country, the state, and the city do anything at all to keep people safe. Deep breaths are not going to save us (as Cuomo suggested to his daughter); only closing everything down and providing adequate face coverings and testing will do anything. In the face of staggering government inaction, I’m desperately trying to figure out what I can do to keep my friends and family safe. In the meantime I can only stock up on personal supplies and research the virus more and watch as a wave comes hurdling towards shore, certain to overwhelm the miniscule flood walls we’ve put up to defend ourselves.

staring at the moon
wondering whether it weeps
when it sees our plight